Not Quite An Adult

2009 November 20

First things first, my breakfast this morning consisted of nachos, a coca-cola, green tea, skittles (only the red, green, and orange ones), and small gherkin pickles. Nothing says “new lease on life” like eating crap for breakfast!

Let the binge drinking commence! (Kidding mom, kidding.)

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I, for one, have had the weirdest week ever. I am looking forward to the weekend if, for no other reason, than it seems like I will get to sleep in and have some sort of normalcy to my life.

Here are the things that have happened in the last seven days:
1. I became some-what famous on the internet (and, might I add, without having to take off my clothes. My parents are proud!)
2. Someone anonymously donated money to Eric and myself. I would go into this further, but I have very little information about it so far. But – if the person who donated is reading this – THANK YOU. THANK YOU TIMES ONE THOUSAND. I don’t care if it $5 or $5,000 – you cared enough to try and help us and I am eternally grateful.
3. I outed myself as a writer to my Pastor. Let’s all say hello to my Pastor, since there is a good chance he is reading this right now. Hi! Please do not write a sermon about this! Thanks!
4. Doctors, good doctors might I add, thought I was dying less than 24 hours ago. It made this day pretty darned good. The sunset today was fantastic. It’s like the sunset on February 12th of this year.

And now, because I feel I have not been entertaining enough, here is a comic:

marriedtothesea.com
marriedtothesea.com

See, if I didn’t have health insurance, I would be pulling this in France…allegedly. :-)

Superpowers

2009 November 19
by Enna

I am about to become a superhero. I know you are wondering how this is going to happen. Allow me to elaborate:

I got irradiated yesterday. I got an injection of radiation and inhaled radiation. The doctors were trying to figure out if I had a pulmonary embolism. I did not, for the record.

So…what do you think my superpower will be? I am hoping for invisibility!

Seriously though, it was pretty scary. Especially since Eric wasn’t allowed to be back there with me. (He got a sucker and I DIDN’T! WTF is that?)

This year has been strange, medically speaking. I spent a long time without medical insurance, so I am thinking maybe I am getting all these medical issues thrown at me because now I have insurance.

Or, you know, maybe I am meant to be a superhero. Yeah, let’s go with that excuse!

Quick Hits

2009 November 18

1. Have you ever been in a supermarket and seen that deli pack of the ends of the deli meats all cut up in odd shapes and wrapped up and on sale for $1? Eric bought me a cheese one of those! Happy anniversary indeed! (Eric: Uh…yeah…happy anniversary! No – wait, it’s not Thanksgiving!)

2. I was chatting with my cousin about the possibility of going to medical school, and then giving back by doing Doctors Without Borders. He said that I shouldn’t because, and I am paraphrasing here, I would no longer be funny. All my blog posts would be about stitching up orphans stubs after land mines blew their limbs off.

I laughed for a good twenty minutes about that, at which point Eric comes over to see what I am laughing about. He tells me that I am not cut out for being a doctor because, if for no other reason, a doctor is not allowed to laugh at a limbless war orphan. I don’t know why, but I found this unbelievably funny. I am pretty sure this means I am going to hell.

3. In the supermarket, I wasn’t paying attention and I was just following Eric with the cart, and while I am talking, I am swearing. Eric stops and looks at me, and we both turn directly to my right to see a wall of religious votive candles. I swore in front of so, so, so many Saints today. What level of hell do you suppose I will be in? I hope it’s the level with all the super flamboyant gay men…

4. To balance my bad deeds with my good ones, I joined Be The Match. You should too. No, seriously, consider it. Look over the website, and seriously consider it. And if you decide to do it, let me know, so I can feel better about laughing at imaginary limbless war orphans.

Yes, I am aware my face will never appear on the side of a Votive Candle. Thank you for pointing that out.

Hotdogs

2009 November 17

For the most part, I don’t eat meat. Or, at least, I haven’t in this past week.

Then I went down to my parents’ house and had some pot roast on Sunday night. If I were striving to be a vegetarian, I just failed. But luckily – I wasn’t – I’m just poor! Hooray! …wait a minute…

Anyway, I go home, tuck myself in, read the Bible (hi mom!) and go to sleep.

And then I have one fucked up dream!

In the dream I am wandering around Manhattan in pajama pants and a sequined bra and everyone around me was dressed in a hotdog suit and eating raw bacon right out of the package.

Welcome to Manhatten Enna!

I would like to point out that the Hotdog people were less friendly looking that this guy – probably because I was in New York.

Ok – so let me explain why this was such a weird dream:

Ask anyone – I hate wearing sequins. Yeah, I could focus on the whole “Giant Walking Hotdog people eating raw bacon on the streets of Manhattan” aspect of the dream, but the sequins part of the dream is really what threw me! The whole time, I am itching my chest because the sequins were digging into me, and I kept trying to find sunscreen because SHIT I was exposed to the sun, and all the store sold bacon grease.

And here is the really messed up part: I woke up and thought to myself “Shit, now I want a hotdog!”

That’s right. Not bacon. A hotdog. Who says I don’t love my fellow man?

Catholic School Ain’t What it Used to Be

2009 November 16

One of my female friends teaches at an all-boys Catholic school. I went out to eat with her over the weekend. We slide into our booths, get handed out menus, and I start to look for what I want to eat.

“Holy shit! Did you fingerbang Paris Hilton?” She yells (don’t act like you didn’t yell bitch) across the Denny’s.

“Uhhh …no?” I respond, totally unaware of what the heck she is talking about, but now every old man in the entire place is VERY INTERESTED in me and my apparent friendships with a certain debutante.

Look at your fingers!” She responds, looking at me like I’m the crazy one.

I am silent for a second and then I ask “Did you just use the term ‘fingerbang?’”

“Teenage boys man,” she says, just slowly shaking her head.

And all I can think is “I cannot wait to blog about this! This story is going to generate some crazy ass search terms! Yesssss!”

Best Weekend Ever

2009 November 15

(This isn’t going to be a funny post. Sorry. This is more of a “how I am doing” post. But feel free to check out the links directly to the right of this post for some of my more hysterical moments.)

I know a lot of time on this site I bitch and whine and moan about how terrible this year was. And it WAS. Don’t get me wrong – it has been a fucking horrific year.

But this weekend almost made up for it. Allow me explain.

Friday and Saturday I was in a religious retreat. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a crier. I can watch any chick flick and not cry. I can read Where the Red Fern Grows and not cry. What I apparently cannot do is go to this retreat and not cry. I was bawling the whole time.

And this retreat, despite me crying like a baby the whole time, was one of the best experiences of my life.

Then I got home, checked a few of my sites, and realized that all of a sudden I was very popular on the internet. So I did a quick google image search of “Enna Stein topless” and after that pulled up nothing (whew!) I started trying to figure out where it was all coming from.
Remember when I said I started writing letters to Ira Glass, and how I was a dorky, sad little girl because my dream was to be on This American Life? Well…Ira listened.
OK let’s be realistic (I used to work in television, so I can almost guarantee this next point as fact) some INTERN listened. That intern posted my blog Letters to Ira Glass on the This American Life Facebook page.
This gave me something to celebrate. I hadn’t celebrated anything in a year, so it felt good to go out on the town and tear it on up with Eric.
So, how was your weekend?

High School Friends

2009 November 12
by Enna

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Apparently, a bunch of people I went to high school with thought I had died. I wasn’t so much insulted at the dead part of this story, but more of the how I supposedly died part of the story.

Cancer.

Like, wtf? Why can’t I go out Evil Kenevil style – I ride a Harley through a flaming hoop and I just barely make it and then after my bike rolls to a stop a polar bear comes outta NOWHERE and mauls me to death. THAT is MY KIND of death.

I Am Not A Good Adult

2009 November 11

DID YOU KNOW THAT IT’S NOVEMBER!

I only just found out because my friend recently asked me if I voted. I did not. I did not vote. There – I said it.

I always vote. Every stinking election – it’s me and the elderly, standing in line, trying to act like we don’t smell like urine, and secretly I am proud that for once I am pretty sure it’s not me that smells like urine! Yesssssss!

Side note that’s quasi-related in a really sad old-people-eating-dog-food-kind-of-way: Does dog food kind of sort of maybe look appetizing to you when you see it on a commercial too? It does? Good, I am glad I got to share this secret of mine with you, internet friends. I was eating dinner earlier tonight and I looked down at the tuna casserole I was eating and then looked up at this Beefy-Stewy-Dog-Food and I thought to myself “I would rather eat that. That’s more attractive than what I am eating right now.” That thought was NOT a commentary on Eric’s mother’s tuna casserole recipe. It’s delicious. It just doesn’t look as attractive as dog food. (Enna gets out a shovel and starts digging her own grave while talking.)

Way Too Early Still

2009 November 10
by Enna

But I am posting it anyway!

I Wonder What My Future Child Will Look Like?

2009 November 10
by Enna

Yeah, that’s about right…