First things first, my breakfast this morning consisted of nachos, a coca-cola, green tea, skittles (only the red, green, and orange ones), and small gherkin pickles. Nothing says “new lease on life” like eating crap for breakfast!
Let the binge drinking commence! (Kidding mom, kidding.)
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I, for one, have had the weirdest week ever. I am looking forward to the weekend if, for no other reason, than it seems like I will get to sleep in and have some sort of normalcy to my life.
Here are the things that have happened in the last seven days:
1. I became some-what famous on the internet (and, might I add, without having to take off my clothes. My parents are proud!)
2. Someone anonymously donated money to Eric and myself. I would go into this further, but I have very little information about it so far. But – if the person who donated is reading this – THANK YOU. THANK YOU TIMES ONE THOUSAND. I don’t care if it $5 or $5,000 – you cared enough to try and help us and I am eternally grateful.
3. I outed myself as a writer to my Pastor. Let’s all say hello to my Pastor, since there is a good chance he is reading this right now. Hi! Please do not write a sermon about this! Thanks!
4. Doctors, good doctors might I add, thought I was dying less than 24 hours ago. It made this day pretty darned good. The sunset today was fantastic. It’s like the sunset on February 12th of this year.
And now, because I feel I have not been entertaining enough, here is a comic:
See, if I didn’t have health insurance, I would be pulling this in France…allegedly. 
I am about to become a superhero. I know you are wondering how this is going to happen. Allow me to elaborate:
I got irradiated yesterday. I got an injection of radiation and inhaled radiation. The doctors were trying to figure out if I had a pulmonary embolism. I did not, for the record.
So…what do you think my superpower will be? I am hoping for invisibility!
Seriously though, it was pretty scary. Especially since Eric wasn’t allowed to be back there with me. (He got a sucker and I DIDN’T! WTF is that?)
This year has been strange, medically speaking. I spent a long time without medical insurance, so I am thinking maybe I am getting all these medical issues thrown at me because now I have insurance.
Or, you know, maybe I am meant to be a superhero. Yeah, let’s go with that excuse!
For the most part, I don’t eat meat. Or, at least, I haven’t in this past week.
Then I went down to my parents’ house and had some pot roast on Sunday night. If I were striving to be a vegetarian, I just failed. But luckily – I wasn’t – I’m just poor! Hooray! …wait a minute…
Anyway, I go home, tuck myself in, read the Bible (hi mom!) and go to sleep.
And then I have one fucked up dream!
In the dream I am wandering around Manhattan in pajama pants and a sequined bra and everyone around me was dressed in a hotdog suit and eating raw bacon right out of the package.
I would like to point out that the Hotdog people were less friendly looking that this guy – probably because I was in New York.
Ok – so let me explain why this was such a weird dream:
Ask anyone – I hate wearing sequins. Yeah, I could focus on the whole “Giant Walking Hotdog people eating raw bacon on the streets of Manhattan” aspect of the dream, but the sequins part of the dream is really what threw me! The whole time, I am itching my chest because the sequins were digging into me, and I kept trying to find sunscreen because SHIT I was exposed to the sun, and all the store sold bacon grease.
And here is the really messed up part: I woke up and thought to myself “Shit, now I want a hotdog!”
That’s right. Not bacon. A hotdog. Who says I don’t love my fellow man?
(This isn’t going to be a funny post. Sorry. This is more of a “how I am doing” post. But feel free to check out the links directly to the right of this post for some of my more hysterical moments.)
I know a lot of time on this site I bitch and whine and moan about how terrible this year was. And it WAS. Don’t get me wrong – it has been a fucking horrific year.
But this weekend almost made up for it. Allow me explain.
Friday and Saturday I was in a religious retreat. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a crier. I can watch any chick flick and not cry. I can read Where the Red Fern Grows and not cry. What I apparently cannot do is go to this retreat and not cry. I was bawling the whole time.
And this retreat, despite me crying like a baby the whole time, was one of the best experiences of my life.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Apparently, a bunch of people I went to high school with thought I had died. I wasn’t so much insulted at the dead part of this story, but more of the how I supposedly died part of the story.
Cancer.
Like, wtf? Why can’t I go out Evil Kenevil style – I ride a Harley through a flaming hoop and I just barely make it and then after my bike rolls to a stop a polar bear comes outta NOWHERE and mauls me to death. THAT is MY KIND of death.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT’S NOVEMBER!
I only just found out because my friend recently asked me if I voted. I did not. I did not vote. There – I said it.
I always vote. Every stinking election – it’s me and the elderly, standing in line, trying to act like we don’t smell like urine, and secretly I am proud that for once I am pretty sure it’s not me that smells like urine! Yesssssss!
Side note that’s quasi-related in a really sad old-people-eating-dog-food-kind-of-way: Does dog food kind of sort of maybe look appetizing to you when you see it on a commercial too? It does? Good, I am glad I got to share this secret of mine with you, internet friends. I was eating dinner earlier tonight and I looked down at the tuna casserole I was eating and then looked up at this Beefy-Stewy-Dog-Food and I thought to myself “I would rather eat that. That’s more attractive than what I am eating right now.” That thought was NOT a commentary on Eric’s mother’s tuna casserole recipe. It’s delicious. It just doesn’t look as attractive as dog food. (Enna gets out a shovel and starts digging her own grave while talking.)
But I am posting it anyway!
Yeah, that’s about right…
