Fun With Google

Posted on July 10, 2009 by Enna

I like to play with Google. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. You can tell I was bored at work today, can’t you?

Here are some of Google’s suggestions for my seach items. This post has been brought to you by the millions of other people who were bored on the internet and searched for something. Thanks people!

Dude, you have some serious issues...

Dude, you have some serious issues...

You need Google to help you with this? Dude just find a McDonalds!

You need Google to help you with this? Dude just find a McDonalds!

A badger, huh? I would be reluctant to "embrace Christ" if He were a badger...

A badger, huh? I would be reluctant to "embrace Christ" if He were a badger...

Is this a chronic problem with girls or something?

Is this a chronic problem with girls or something?

This has WTF written alllll over it

This has WTF written alllll over it

What is your problem with Daniel Craig???

What is your problem with Daniel Craig???

Well that answers the last question...

Well that answers the last question...

How is THIS the first suggestion?

How is THIS the first suggestion?

It says "You have too much time on me." Weird.

It says "You have too much time on me." Weird.

Filed under: Life, humor, religion, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Come Play With Us

Posted on July 9, 2009 by Enna

Have I ever told you about my doll(s)? I have this doll -named Carrie- and I have owned her since about the age of four. Carrie has gone with me everywhere my whole life. If I am taking a vacation – Carrie comes with. Leaving the country – Carrie comes with. I am a bit of a freak about this doll, if you haven’t figured it out already.

Well, Eric found another “Carrie” and we bid on her and won her off of Ebay. Her name is Carley. So, now I have Carrie and Carley.

My friend George, one of the many Georges I know, is freaked out by the dolls. Like, REALLY freaked out. One of my favorite pastimes is positioning the dolls in weird ways with signs foretelling his doom. For example:

hellogeorge1The one on the right is obviously the older one, since it is so danged dirty. Here are some other signs I want to make for him in the future:

hellogeorge2hellogeorge3hellogeorge4

I wonder why George doesn’t come over more often…

Filed under: Life, humor, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , , | 20 Comments »

Digging Right In

Posted on July 8, 2009 by Enna

I try, against all odds, to be lady-like at work. It’s an uphill battle, let me tell you. I don’t wear high heels, because I know that I look like a rhino trying to delicately tip toe through the marsh when I wear them. Let’s just go ahead and let that image sink in for a moment.

Anyway, I made popcorn at work today. Why? No reason other than I was hungry and it was the healthiest thing available in the vending machine. I don’t know about you, but I always secretly thought that the person who made popcorn and smelled up the whole office secretly hated her co-workers.  I mean, I think that way about everyone but me- I was just trying to avoid eating 5 Twix bars in a row to stay awake.

So, I pop myself some popcorn, and then lean back in my chair and start to toss pieces up into my mouth. I miss my mouth a lot. Then I suddenly remember that there’s a meeting I am supposed to be in, and I hustle off to the meeting.

In the middle of the meeting, I realize there is about a handful of popcorn in my cleavage down my shirt. So, we take a break from the meeting, and everyone gets up to stretch and go check their email, and I am left alone in the room.

You know where this is going.

I reach down my shirt, grab some popcorn, and start eating. What I did not realize, however, was that the guy who was late to the meeting came in through the backdoor of the meeting room, the door that was inconveniently behind me, and saw me take roughly a handful of popcorn out of my boobs and eat it.

I look up at him, mouth full of popcorn, and say ” Ehhhy Pfofkern?” which was my way of saying, with my mouth full, “Want any popcorn?” I know you’re thinking this somehow sounds like I might be vaguely hitting on him, but let me assure you I am not nearly attractive enough to pull that line off sexily. I really just did not know what else to say. Late to the Meeting Guy laughs so hard he starts coughing and leaves back out the door.

The rest of the meeting I had to deal with people asking “Does anyone smell popcorn?” And Late to the Meeting Guy trying hard not to laugh his ass off in the meeting all while I try not to piss myself out of fear that he will tell on me and my secret boob stash.

All-in-all I have to say I think I am making a great impression at this new company.

Filed under: Life, humor, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , | 13 Comments »

I Have A Way With Very Drunk Men

Posted on July 7, 2009 by Enna

Over the weekend, I went to a fourth of July party. The same party I have been going to for about a decade and a half. Did I never before mention I am a pretty boring, predictable person? I didn’t? WELL I AM.

Anyway, this particular friend has a particular uncle, who got particularly drunk this fourth – and stole my dirty fork.

I was standing in the kitchen, eating my Jello salad, and this drunk uncle, whom I will henceforth call Ernie because he has certain Muppet-like qualities, stumbles on in.

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

Ernie: Rita says I can take a plate home!

Me: Well giddyup then. (Because, really, what does this have to do with me?)

Ernie: Alllllright then, now you know.

Ernie goes and makes himself a plate of food to go, and then comes back and asks me where the forks are. In the middle of my explaining, he looks down at my plate, takes my fork out of my Jello salad, sucks my food off of it, and says thanks as he walks away.

And it occurs to me: Every time I set down a Squirt, I would go to pick it up, and it would be empty.  By God, Ernie was food stalking me all night!

So thanks to my friend, for having an Uncle Ernie, and therefore giving me something to write about, and a special thanks goes out to his wife Bert, who gave him (and my fork) a ride home. (She doesn’t look like a Muppet, for those of you keeping tabs on the Muppet-people I know.)

Filed under: Chicago News, Life, humor, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Link Love

Posted on July 6, 2009 by Enna

Ok, so I searched my own blog on google. Does that make me self-absorbed? I hope so. No, wait, no I don’t. I ALREADY run a blog that just talks about my life and nothing else (really) and that’s pretty self-absorbed as is!

Anyway, I thought I would highlight some of the blogs that linked to me that I have not previously highlighted:

This guy Steve hates Santa Claus and the Christmas spending season almost as much as I do!

I agree with Mr. A. – writing me a ticket also warrants a golf ball (or club) to the head. Just sayin’.

I also hope that this statue breathes fire at night, and I am glad I am not the only one who still sees the world through a viel of mystical imagination.

The picture on Milly’s blog looked so good I went out and bought basil, mozzarella, balsamic vinegar, and tomatoes and made myself a plate.

I like the way Nina tells it like it is, in a snarky, sarcastic fashion. If we lived in the same state, she would be the girlfriend I get together with to bitch with.

Eric loved this post, as he is also a Meatatarian. All around, it’s a great blog I get caught up in reading (when I have a chance to read blogs.)

This blog is open, honest, and very well written. Just read this post and you can see what I mean.

Sarah Vonis an awesome blogger who is all over the blogging spectrum. I guest posted for her once here.

Britt, from Blunt Delivery, is my crazy twin up north. She shows me love by linking to me on her blog, as well as when she was interviewed on blog rollers. That is just awesome.

Chitown Wife, though she rarely updates anymore, is pretty awesome because she plugs Chicago-area blogs, and that deserves an A+ in my book (or blog, as the case may be).

This is my friend Nia’s blog, who is the only person I know who has been blogging for LONGER THAN ME. That’s quite an accomplishment! (Or, you know, a complete waste of time, depending on who you ask.)

This is Jay’s blog about the cutest dog in the world. No seriously, Lola is adorable. I just want to dress her up like a baby and take her out and…wait, no, I am starting to sound crazy. Well, crazier.

And this little picture here? This is for the banking goddess, so she can now officially say she has been “Spidered”

spider

Filed under: Chicago News, Life, humor, links, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

He Keeps Rejecting My Friend Requests

Posted on July 2, 2009 by Enna

My friend Pam recently updated her status with this little gem, which I have to say is one of the funniest things I have read all year:

pam'statusBETTERIf her goal was to make this grown ass woman tinkle a little while laughing until she couldn’t breathe – well then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

PS – she has an awesome website you can visit here, and she answers all your weird sex questions that you were too afraid to ask your mother when you were given “the talk.” (WARNING: the second link is NSFW) And some you have since learned about now as an adult and really, really want to know if they’re true, or in my case, really seriously hope are urban legends.

Filed under: Life, humor, links, religion, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

Looks Around…

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Enna

Was I supposed to update this thing? Oh. Well Here’s a video instead:

Filed under: humor, links | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Hobo Fight!

Posted on June 30, 2009 by Enna

My friend George (one of the many George’s I know) lives in a high rise building in downtown Chicago. Once, Eric and I went down there to see him, and we walked into a hobo fight. When I say walked into a hobo fight, I mean we walked into a Homeless Battle Royal.

There aren’t that many homeless people on the streets of Chicago, say one every block in the main loop of downtown, and that’s it. So, the fact that we walked into a group of 20 or so battling it out was pretty amazing in itself.

What were they battling over? One hobo wanted another hobo’s pants. How this would somehow involve the 18 other men in the fight – I don’t want to know and we didn’t stay long enough to ask. We apparently had not been drinking yet that night and therefore still had two brain cells left to rub together and therefore got out of there fast. Or at least Eric wasn’t – he knows as well as I do that when I drink I put on my Mischief Hat and then go balls-deep into the nearest Clusterfuck I can find.

Plus Eric knows that I don’t want to see a homesless person without pants on EVER AGAIN.

Eric and I were a little freaked out, but George wasn’t phased. He said the hobo fights should be part of the advertisement for when a house goes up for sale “Don’t want cable? No worries, just peer out your window to the street below and watch hobos go nucken futz over the strangest shit! This luxury is included in the selling price!”

And to think – we were sucked into the suburbs by the Realtor telling us that it was a safe neighborhood with an urban feel – what fools we were! Especially tonight, since nothing seems to be worth watching on cable.

…I wonder if George is up for company.

Filed under: Chicago News, Life, humor, links, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Conversations

Posted on June 29, 2009 by Enna

Gina: Remember that Santa Claus I hit on in Macy’s last year?

Me: Yes, but you’re from Chicago, so I am going to titty twister you until you say what you just said correctly!

Gina: FINE. Remember that Santa Claus I hit on in Marshall Fields last year?

Me: Yes…why?

Gina: Because apparently he also remembers me. And he now works in my office.

Backstory: Gina and I went shopping last year and I was like ‘Let’s go see Santa!’ -because, well, it’s SANTA. So we go and sit on Santa’s lap and get our pictures taken. We had a couple of drinks beforehand, so the elves kept treating us like we were mentally retarded, which is another blog post in itself. Anyway, we get up to see Santa, and Gina starts talking about how all she wants for Christmas is a big old candy cane from Santa, and then proceeds – in perverted detail – to say what she would do with said candy cane. For the record, I asked for a Playstation 3 and that maybe the boots that I really want could go on sale for once. We then got our picture taken with a very flustered Santa, and went on our merry way.

Gina: So yeah, he works in my office now. Thankfully not in my department. He very much remembers me, and apparently does not like me.

Me: Karma has your name on the top of her list. You KNOW he is getting you for his Secret Santa this year. YOU KNOW IT.

Gina: I hope I get him! I’ll go to Loews and buy him one of those lawn ornament candy canes. Maybe I can fluster him enough he’ll quit this job too.

Me: It’s going to be a such a shock to him that you were sent to sensitivity training. I hope you enjoy hell.

Gina: Screw that! You know I am getting into heaven! Those pearly gates have brass bars on them – Jesus is going to need someone to shine them – and no one can shine a pole better than me!

Me: LMAO. I sincerely hope you are right. THAT would be my kind of heaven!

Gina: No, you’re kind of heaven is where your stupid hooker boots are always on sale. And your mop-bucket water never gets dirty, and everyone goes out to eat at an Applebees every night.

Me: I…I have never heard someone describe my heaven so perfectly.

Gina: What do you think my heaven will be like?

Me: Remember when Homer Simpson had that fantasy where he was in the land of chocolate and everything was made of chocolate, including the street lights?

Gina: Yeah?

Me: You’re will be like that, only with tons of phallus.

Gina: Now you’re just being a dick.

Me: AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN IN HEAVEN YET!

Filed under: Chicago News, Life, humor, links, religion, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Spoiler Alert!

Posted on June 25, 2009 by Enna

I know I said I was taking a week off…but what can I say, I just can’t quit you!

Remember when I said I went to a Bridal Shower the other day? I forgot to tell you the best part of the shower – a story from my grandmother.

Someone mentioned something about someone dying, but they lived a full life, they had kids, etc.

I disagree with that whole idea that you have to have children to have a full life. I am not saying I do not want children, quite the contrary, but I think, so far, you could say I have lived a full and exciting life up until this point. Plus, I have a neice and nephew I can spoil rotten anytime I like (oh yes, here’s an obligatory picture:)

Baby Peas is happy she is going to be a brunette just like Auntie Enna

Baby Peas is happy she is going to be a brunette just like Auntie Enna

Eric and my view has always been that you should only have children when they are going to be a blessing to your household. Right now they would not be a blessing. In 2 years they would not be a blessing.3 years? Maybe.

My grandmother, however, feels very differently. She wants me to have kids now now now now RIGHT NOW.

While at the Bridal Shower, my grandmother regaled me with this story:

“Your aunt Jeanne’s maid-of-honor’s aunt so-and-so and her husband never wanted to have kids, just like you and Eric, and one day, she went to the doctor, and she found out that she was riddled with tumors and she died.”

Being the sarcastic asshole that I am, I replied “Gee grandma, that story could have used a ’spoiler alert’”

To which my grandma replies “Oh yes Enna, she was spoiled. On the inside. WITH CANCER” She says this while pointing to her crotch, which I must admit shocked me, not because the woman died of some kind of cancer of the CROTCH but because we were in a crowded room and my grandmother made hand-pointing-motions to her crotch to me in front of everyone and the room kind of fell silent, or to me at least it did. It was safe to say I hit the spiked punch pretty hard after that.

“Her husband has no one now. NO ONE. His family all died and he is all alone. You go home and tell Eric that story. I’ll bet that will change his mind about kids!”

Instead I told Eric that my grandmother told me where to find an elderly sugar-daddy to be a trophy wife to, because she mentioned that he has all this money and a big ole house and no one to take care of him. And he’s lonely, because he never had kids. If that doesn’t spell prime sugar-daddy material I don’t know what does!

Filed under: Chicago News, Life, humor, snippets of my life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

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