Kosher Porkchops Dot Com

Ok, that title was a little misleading. See, this is a disgusting post as well as a Jewish post. Well, now that we have clarified that, on with the post!

So last night, I noticed that my ear lobe was swelling up. Like, to the size of a grape. So, I touch it just ever so slightly and all this pus starts pouring out of my second ear piercing.

Yeah, I am one of those people who have their ears double pierced. Or as my mother phrases it, one of those women with the “white trash” piercings. See, when I was younger, I asked her if I could get my ears double pierced. She told me that if I still wanted it when I was 18, she couldn’t stop me then. So, for my 18th birthday, I got my ears double pierced, and then for my 19th, I got my cartilage pierced. All of this horrified my mother. But anyway…back to the disgusting part of this post.

So, I grab the nearest container, which happens to be a shotglass. It FILLS half the shotglass. Is that not the grossest thing ever? I mean, I was completely amazed, but also majorly disgusting.

I also have the flu, so yeah, it’s been an experience. Which might explain the second part of this post…the Jewish part.

So after that fun experience (and if anyone has some insight as to WHY that happened, feel free to leave me a comment.) I went to bed, and dreamed the following:

I am walking down the street, specifically 107 and Artesian on the south side of Chicago, and around the corner turns a giant Menorah Car.

Now, in order for you to understand what I am talking about, it looked like a little antique blue car with the star of David as a hood ornament, and a GIANT brick Menorah built right on top of it. None of the candles were lit. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SILLY.

So this giant Menorah is rolling on down the street, heading right towards me, and instead of exhaust, little tiny dreidels are falling out the back of it. And all these little Jewish kids are running after it, collecting the dreidels.

I say out loud to myself, “Well, I guess Hanukkah is right around the corner.” As though this is an explanation for why this is happening, like “Oh yeah, I forgot, thanks GIANT MENORAH for the reminder. I have to go buy some gelt!”

I woke up laughing uncontrollably. I laughed so hard I had to get up and pee.

When I woke up the next day, I discovered four Enna-sized bites out the leftover ham that we had last night. I think maybe God is trying to tell me something? Something like stop sleep-walking-eating-ham and wash your darn ears, maybe?