So, I searched my whole blog for this (and my what a blog it is!) and I could not find this story. I cannot believe I never posted it!
So, when I go shopping, my hands swell up. I don’t know what it is on supermarket carts that make my hands swell up like stubby little grapes, but whatever it is, it happens every single time.
I am shopping, and I get to the checkout lane, and I look down, see hand sanitizer, and make an audible “Oooooh!” as I throw it into my cart. The woman in front of me gives me the pervert eye, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I brush it off, and load up the contents of my cart onto the conveyor belt. I pay for my purchases, and head out to the parking lot.
The Pervert Eye woman is loading up her car, and she is parked directly in front of me. So, I load up the car, and then get all giddy because I whip out my hand sanitizer, while standing in the parking lot, and proceed to open the package and put a large dollop on my hand. I start to rub my hands together excitedly. At this point, the Pervert Eye woman has stopped loading up her car, and is staring at me in total mouth-open shock.
My hands start to get really warm, and the sanitizer isn’t absorbing or evaporating.
Then I notice that instead of buying hand sanitizer, I have mistakenly bought warming lubricant.
Which would certainly explain the pervert eye that woman gave me.
I mean, from an outsider’s perspective, a girl with large inflamed purplish hands was SO EXCITED about her warming lubricant, she couldn’t even wait to get into her car before she started to rub it on herself. All while staring at other patrions in the parking lot.
It’s a wonder I am not arrested more, honestly.
Filed under: Life, humor, snippets of my life | Tagged: Accidental Lubrication, humor, i embarass myself daily, Life, supermarket stories
Wasn’t this at the dollar store, where even infants and toddlers can dress like tramps?
Awesome and awesome. This is absolutely, 100% something I would have done.
I once mistakenly ate cubes of congealed duck blood for lunch, every day for a week, until someone clarified that they weren’t, in fact, tofu.
Mistaken identity is a tricky one, eh?
It was at Meijer, of all places.
And wow! Duck blood! Hot damn.
I love that there is a place where you can buy groceries that they also having warming lubricant at the check out?
And Sarah… I will be thinking of cubed duck blood for the rest of the night. Why? Why does it exist?
I don’t think it was supposed to be there. I really do think the display was hand sanitzer. But all the same, I have very warm hands because of it. And seriously I cannot get the idea of cubed duck blood out of my danged head.
Let’s not mention the congealed duck blood to Thomas.
Oh no lets!
“It’s a wonder I am not arrested more” perhaps for public excitement over lube, but Sarah Von should be tried for war crimes.
Oh Thomas you and your damned ducks! Never go to Chinatown son, never go to Chinatown…
Hahaha! Man, your life is truly hilarious.
I think it might be more funny to me if these kinds of things happened to someone else…
Ok. I’m curious. You said you were amazed you weren’t arrested more often. Do you get arrested often?
Uh no comment. IT DON’T COUNT UNLESS YOU AREN’T ACQUITTED.
it definitely gives a new meaning to “hand job”
You’re such a freak… I like that in a woman…
I am not a freak – I AM CLUSMY AND A DITZ. There’s a subtle difference.
[...] learned that my actions sometimes freak out people in [...]